Sheparding Men
by orangeflavor
Summary: "Her face crumbles with the words, and she squeezes her eyes shut to the onslaught. There is everything tearing and pointless and inevitable in this moment." The story of Commander Shepard's three great loves: Kaidan, Thane and Garrus. And the gifts they each gave her. Memory, Passion, Constancy.
1. The Blank Space Between Stars

Disclaimer: I own nothing, I make no money.

Author's Note: Oh kill me, I can't believe I'm starting another story before I finish Secret Burdens. I promise, it's in the works. Anyway, this Mass Effect piece will deal with Shepard's romance with Kaidan, Thane and Garrus through ME 1, 2, and 3 and they will generally be romanced separately in each game. Not a huge fan of Shepard being with more than one guy at once, sorry, no can do in this corner. So unfortunately, as much as I adore Thane, he won't be seen until I get into the second game. All the important men in Shepard's life with be involved with this story as well, and for the sake of style and scene and because I LOVE them, other characters will of course be featured. I started a new style with my Dragon Age 2 story "The Wild Dark" and I tried to use the same style but I think the stories in Dragon Age just lent themselves better to the style I used there. So this is a bit of a hybrid between my new and old style. It took me a long time to write this chapter and I'm still a bit _meh_ about it so please let me know what you think. And then I can figure what direction to go. Please enjoy. P.S. Don't really know how long this is going to be so yays, we'll see as we go.

Sheparding Men

Chapter One: The Blank Space Between Stars

"_Her touch is sudden and hot and intoxicating in a way that makes Kaidan still at the intake of breath upon the feel of her skin." The story of Commander Shepard's three great loves: Kaidan, Thane and Garrus. And the gifts they each gave her. Memory, Passion, Constancy._

There are six things Commander Shepard believes to be absolute.

One. It never ends. Don't expect a reprieve. Don't expect that sweet breath of relief. Don't ever expect closure. What seems to end will always begin anew, what starts will never finish, and the eternity we claim we are seeking is already here. We are in it now. This shuddering, brutal, exhilarating mess of emotion and reaction and breath, this short-lived, vibrant life. This tangle of souls, this meeting of hearts. This stubborn, thrilling universe doesn't know how to die. Don't ever think it's over. It never ends.

Two. There are people that come into your life that are never destined to stay. It is not wrong. It is not a mistake. They are meant to be momentary and fleeting and sometimes shattering. They are no less important. Their role is never diminished. It is not wrong.

Three. Instinct. Listen to it. Use it. Die by it if it calls to you. But never question what every fiber of your being is screaming at you to feel.

Four. Caffeine. And heat sinks. These are the pillars of the soldier's religion.

Five. When the damage is done and the blood is drawn, you must walk away. There is no changing the kill. There is no wishing back of life. Treasure it. Support it. Endure it. But when it is snuffed by your hands, there is no help in wallowing. There is too much to be done and too much to be seen and too much to be felt to keep looking for blood on your hands. It will wash. And you will weep. And you will learn to forgive but never forget. You must feel every kill. But you must never _be_ every kill. There will be none of you left if you cannot learn to walk away when the bodies hit the floor. They are gone. You are not.

Six. It all matters. Every word, every action, every thought. Every day is Doomsday. Every breath we take is one closer to death. Every second is a slow dying. Every move we make must be with the knowledge that even the slightest ripple will be felt in some tremble of the universe. Some distant trace of our touch will be known. Some far-off life may shudder at our imprint. Our lives are never lived rightly unless they are lived urgently, powerfully, lived with faces turned toward the sun. We can act with nothing less than the best of us. It all matters.

There are six things Commander Shepard believes to be absolute. Everything else is transient.

* * *

Kaidan Alenko is shorter than Shepard expects. When she meets him aboard the Normandy after Anderson's introduction, she finds his salute stiff and practiced and yet whole-hearted. There is the slight quirk of his lip as he looks at her, the firm, graceful lilt of his voice when he answers "Commander".

Her nod is quick and lifted and Anderson has already made his way across the command deck when she pulls her gaze from the Lieutenant. She is already moving to Anderson when he calls her. She feels Kaidan's lingering gaze.

* * *

"God, you'd think they'd get some decent chow with the money they blew on this ship."

Shepard's voice is unexpected, sure and without hesitation, but Kaidan is the only one within earshot. He glances up, sees the Commander fiddling with her fork in the pseudo-pasta and laughing. There is no one else at their table, and Kaidan is several seats away. He looks around for a second, and then finds his voice.

"Well, you know the Alliance. Corners had to be cut somewhere."

Shepard looks up at him, almost surprised at his answer. Command for her has been anything but casual conversation. The sudden sound of his voice is warm and familiar and sounds like Earth to her. She smiles without realizing.

Her eyes are a greenish brown and almond-shaped and Kaidan swears he can see the ocean when she smiles. He looks back down to his own plate.

"I guess I should be glad it wasn't our pay."

Shepard's answer is light and offered without expectation. Kaidan looks up to find her cradling her chin in her palm, her arm resting with elbow atop the table.

There is something easy and smooth and yet challenging in her gaze. She does not turn her stare from him. He looks at her from across the length of the table. "Well, I suppose I'd get the cut first so I think you're in the clear, Commander."

She smiles at him and puts her fork down. Somehow they move several seats closer, their words trade themselves across the table and a half hour has passed before Shepard announces the end of her meal and stands to leave the mess hall.

Kaidan's salute is still stiff, still practiced, but there is something comforting about his smirk this time. She turns from him and Kaidan finds he watches the spot where she stood long after she has left.

* * *

Eden Prime is overrun and hollowed and burning when the Normandy breaks through the atmosphere. Shepard checks her Mantis sniper rifle, holstering a few extra rounds along her ammo belt, watching Jenkins and Alenko suit up as they follow her toward the airlock. Anderson briefs them quickly. She is already looking to the ground. She is already gauging the distance between the alien ship and the dig site, already reminding herself of the dead marine bodies she knows she will walk past on her way to the beacon. She is already preparing for dog-tag collection.

The heavy click of her reload sounds in the airlock and Kaidan is asking Anderson about survivors. She wants to tell him. She wants to be harsh and quick and sharp in her interruption, wants to mock him for his belief in _any_ survivors. But she knows that look. Her mouth stays closed. And she nods silently when Anderson simply deflects it with a repeat of the beacon's importance.

Shepard wonders if Kaidan has ever held his hands to a dying man's wound. She wonders if he's ever whispered a useless "It'll be okay" into a soldier's face while his hands held the shaking, bleeding chest of a marine. She wonders if he's ever seen death in the face of a friend.

He nods silently, and when Shepard signals their move as the Normandy descends, she cannot see his face when he turns his gaze from hers.

* * *

"Shit! On your three!" Shepard shouts to Kaidan quickly as she swings her arm toward the oncoming geth, her omni-tool glowing and whirling as she sends an Incinerate in the synthetic's direction. Kaidan ducks with barely enough time but the geth is staggered enough for Kaidan to pop off a few rounds and blow the geth to parts and pieces.

Shepard cannot help the blinding grin that graces her features at the synthetic's stuttering and then collapsing demise. Kaidan whips back to Shepard. "Dammit, Commander, warn me before you decide to blow some explosive tech my way."

Shepard raises a brow just as Kaidan remembers himself and swallows thickly, waiting. But Shepard is having too much fun and the sudden whizzing of bullets past her ear pulls her attention from Kaidan. She drops quickly behind the cover of a jutting rock, Kaidan following suit beside her. She pulls the reload on her rifle and turns to Kaidan, her eyes bright, body thrumming in anticipation and Kaidan is suddenly struck by the sight of her.

"Ready to dance?" Shepard's question is almost a laugh, her arm already glowing with the light of her omni-tool. He hears Ashley's shotgun several feet away. Before he can answer, Shepard is already raising herself from cover, her fingers deft and calculated against her trigger, her eyes shifting sharply through the field ahead of them. Kaidan follows without thought. He finds his body moving to hers of its own volition.

* * *

Shepard throws Kaidan aside. It is instinctual and sudden and she has only a moment to catch her footing before her mind is splitting with images, the shrill, tearing sound of the beacon flooding her ears. There are only seconds and images and the quick, jerky fluttering of her eyelashes under the thrall before she is blown back and unconscious. She cannot even feel Kaidan's hands as they frantically turn her over.

* * *

Nihlus is dead. Saren is gone rogue. Visions of bloody metal and flesh and light. And geth. Shepard sits atop the med-bay table and rubs a weary hand down her face. She does not even know how to begin feeling about this.

* * *

They're running around the Citadel for almost three hours before Shepard runs into one Urdnot Wrex. His form is caught in her periphery when she exits the C-Sec elevator and her muscles instantly tense, her senses heightened but she does not stop walking toward the corridor. Her fingers itch for the comfort of her pistol in her hand and she must run through fuzzy krogan anatomy in her head to remember where both hearts are located. She has never known a krogan except at the barrel end of her gun. She does not know this behemoth. She doesn't intend to make friends. She's here for information. And she will never underestimate the greed of a bounty hunter.

Wrex turns his head at the sight of her moving toward him and the C-Sec officers. He waves the security off dismissively and a laugh rumbles in his throat. His red eyes find Shepard's own greenish-brown ones and she stops when the hulking form of him is turned fully to her. She leaves five feet between them. Kaidan and Ashley are silent behind her.

"You Shepard?" His voice is a deep roll along his throat and his lip curls as the words leave his mouth. The faint glint of teeth is visible for a moment before what appears to stand for a frown pulls at his mouth.

Shepard cocks her head and watches his relaxed, nonchalant lean. His Carnifex heavy pistol is secured to its holster and there is an ease in his stance that speaks volumes of the threat level he gauges from her. She smirks softly, because she knows he's aware of her own wariness, aware of what body language says between them. She resists the urge to cross her arms over her chest. "Guilty. I heard you know a little something about a nosy quarian. _Wrex _is it?" She holds a hand up to point at him, her other moving to rest on her hip.

The curl of his lip twitches minutely. "I know a lot of things, human. Your quarian included. Ever heard of a thug named Fist?" His red eyes appraise her silently.

Shepard sighs and shrugs her shoulders. "I'm Alliance. Been space-bound for months now and I couldn't tell you back-alley shiftster from drunken retired C-Sec on this station. But", Shepard pauses and raises a finger in the air, her smile breaking confidently free, "I can hit anything between the eyes and I don't stop at 'please' so if you're up for a little fieldtrip with the humans, hows about me make a deal?"

Wrex raises one brow and cannot decide whether to be amused or annoyed by this tiny human in front of him. But her eyes are bright and excited and he hasn't shot anything in days so he rolls his eyes in response, waving a hand for them to follow him.

Shepaard claps her hands in front of her and rubs them eagerly. "Finally, someone who doesn't want me to drop off their packages or save their mother for a bit of goddamned information."

Wrex is shaking his head as they follow behind him and the beginning of a laugh rumbles in his chest. "Come on, pink thing."

* * *

When Shepard watches Garrus jump from behind cover and fire a shot into the head of the thug not six inches from Dr. Michel, her first thought is "Damn." The thug is down before Dr. Michel can even finish her scream, her face splattered with the blossom of blood and Shepard and Ashley dispatch the remaining hired guns quickly. Ashley sounds out a harsh disapproval to Garrus, noting "_Dr. Michel's head for Christ's sake_", but Shepard ignores it when she sees Garrus' stuttered apology for the doctor before she assuages his worry.

Shepard had been unimpressed when she first met the turian a few hours ago just before the first failed Council hearing, and she let his dead-end investigation become her own estimation of the officer himself. He had the motivation but no results. Tucking an errant dark curl behind her ear, she looks behind her and catches sight of the bullet hole Garrus had sent splitting through a man's skull.

Turning back, Shepard locks eyes with him as Dr. Michel finishes her confession about the wounded quarian and she watches his mandibles flex momentarily, his eyes shifting between hers before he nods silently and turns to leave with them.

Shepard sees a man who not only lines up his sight but, most importantly, takes the shot when he needs to take the shot.

She remembers the name Garrus Vakarian.

* * *

First Human Spectre. It takes her a moment to realize she has a turian and a quarian beside her for the ceremony and the thought brings an ironic chuckle to her lips. Udina is frowning so deeply behind her she swears she can hear his face breaking from where she stands. The ceremony is short and sudden and she feels her skin tingling beneath her armor. She doesn't know why. She can hear the voices sharp and slick and heated all around the chamber. She turns to walk back, blinking in mild confusion and unpreparedness. Anderson's approving pat along her back jerk her from the unexpected haze of the heavy moment. Shepard puts a light hand to her chest and looks up at the faces lining the balconies above. None of these faces anchor her with the gravity of this instant, this line out of a history book. She thinks maybe it should feel greater than it does. But she can only think of the dead dock workers burning in the fires of Eden Prime. She vows to do better. Looking ahead to the walkway, she catches Kaidan's eyes as he stands several feet back. They are crinkled in a proud smile and his face looks warm and soft. It makes her yearn for Earth.

She wishes her parents were here.

* * *

"And this Dr. T'Soni is supposed to help us?"

"Keywords here being 'supposed to'." Shepard answers, air-quotes and all, to Kaidan's question. She begins to pull her dark curls up onto her head and fasten her hair into a bun.

"Ma'am, do we know anything about T'Soni's relationship with her mother? Can we be sure she's not already working for Benezia?" Ashley is sitting forward with her elbows resting along her knees.

"Who knows. That's why we have guns, Williams: that precious, game-changing advantage." She answers, her eyebrows lifting quickly with her smile.

Kaidan smirks at the Commander and watches her.

"Besides," Wrex joins in, "asari live for millennia. Chances are they haven't even spoken in decades."

Tali flexes her fingers in her lap. "Just because you're not a family man, Wrex, doesn't mean it doesn't hold sway over others. We should go in assuming an enemy of T'Soni, and work from there."

"I'm sorry, is this where you count yourself as Normandy crew?" Ashley cuts in quickly, "Because last I checked we were full up on voices."

Kaidan shoots a warning glance to Ashley but Shepard's voice reaches the Gunnery Chief first. "Stand down, Williams. I don't brook that kind of talk on my ship." Her eyes are firm on Ashley, her jaw tight in disapproval and it is the look in her eye rather than the harsh tone of her voice that has Ashley licking her lips in regret and turning her gaze to the floor.

"Ma'am, yes, ma'am!" She swallows thickly.

Tali bristles in her seat slightly and Shepard sighs, pushing off from her lean on the communication terminal. "Ready your weapons. If T'Soni isn't a threat, there will certainly be geth looking for her. And I didn't kill nearly enough on Eden Prime. Dismissed."

Everyone files out wordlessly and Shepard finds her eyes following Kaidan leave the room. She taps the comm. link behind her. "Joker, ETA."

"This is your pilot speaking, reporting a smooth and even descent at seven minutes. Thanks for flying Normandy air and enjoy your day."

Shepard can't help the smile that tugs at her lips as she walks from the room, shaking her head.

* * *

"Really, Wrex?" Garrus' laugh is cut off quickly by his groan of pain as he pushes himself up from the floor of the damaged lift. Wrex is grumbling and rolling over to get his hands beneath him so he can push himself up.

"I'm an eight hundred pound krogan. What'd you think was going to happen?" Wrex is dusting off his armor in the rubble of the downed elevator, his shields flickering back to full strength and Garrus is laughing again as he plants the butt of his Mantis in the rock and pushes himself to a standing position.

"Soddy workmanship, that's what it is," Wrex growls under his breath, pulling his shotgun from its sling to glance ahead at the walkway winding into the ruin just ahead. He looks at the pathway suspiciously.

"Garrus! Wrex! You guys good down there?" Shepard's voice reverberates against the stone and Garrus looks up to find Shepard trying to scale down the almost three floors of cavern rock they had fallen in the rickety elevator once Wrex stepped in and employed violence against the old, broken controls.

"Yeah, all clear. Just a broken ego, I think." Garrus leans back against the rock as Shepard makes her way down.

Wrex turns to the turian frowning, his eyes narrowed.

Shepard crawls over the ruined top carriage of the elevator and plops down on the floor in front of them, her boots sending a cloud of dust and sand into the air. "Good," she answers, pulling her own Mantis from its carrier on her back, "Because I've only got three packs of medi-gel and, considering your brilliant entrance into the ruins likely alerted any geth within a _fifty_ mile radius to our presence, I'm thinking we might want to save them for the inevitable bullet wounds we'll be receiving on this one."

She shoots a sharp look to the both of them and Garrus raises his hands into the air. "What? I'm not the one who went blood rage on the controls." But his excuse is laced with barely held in laughter and Shepard finds a smirk tugging at her lips behind her helmet anyway.

Wrex begins to creep around the wobbling metal pathway leading toward the mysterious blue force field around the Therum ruins. "Maybe they should build these things better then."

Shepard can't help the sudden guffaw that leaves her mouth before she pulls her lip in at the krogan's look. Her shoulders shake in barely held in mirth. "These are fifty thousand year old ruins, Wrex. What'd you expect, a handicapped ramp?"

"Watch it Shepard, I still haven't decided if I like you yet." But Wrex is still moving forward and watching the path and the fact that he does not need to look back to know that Shepard is covering him is all she needs to see.

Garrus mock gasps behind Shepard and lights up his omni-tool to pull some readings from the upcoming ruin. "Wait, you mean I'm not the only one?"

"Alright, boys, eyes forward. We can discuss my charming personality back on the Normandy." She puts a hand to Wrex's shoulder and he stops, eyeing her. She puts two fingers to her ear and then points them toward the path that veers off right behind the rock face. She watches Wrex and Garrus nod in unison and then pulls the heavy, comforting reload of her Mantis in her hand. She moves up and knows they are right behind her.

* * *

The tearing pain wakes her until she finds herself screaming into her sheets. She is flushed with sweat, her heart beat throbbing in her ears and her nails have cut half-moons into her palms as they clench in the sheets. She wakes gasping sweet, filtered, vacuumed air in the captain's cabin of their dreadnaught, the cold, still dark of space touching the glass above her bed. She twists her gaze, breathing heavily into the sheets, until she can watch the whizzing of space and light and gas giants past her window, until she can blink the hot tears away and focus on the blinding galaxy across the glass.

Shepard breathes quietly in her cabin for several long minutes, slowly coming down, before she checks her clock to find 03:16 and then leaves for the mess hall.

* * *

Shepard is sitting Indian style on one of the benches in the mess hall, a heavy sweatshirt pulled against her chest, her back resting against the table ledge, when Kaidan finds her. She is looking out one of the side shutter panels with retractable planes, her fingers bunched in the material of her sweatshirt, her face tilted to the derk empty abyss streaming past the window and there is only the light of passing stars to illuminate the outline of her figure.

"Commander?" Kaidan's voice is soft and hesitant, and he clears his throat in embarrassment, repeating louder "Commander", when she does not turn. The streaming stars outside pass silver against her skin.

Kaidan is standing beside the bench when she blinks and turns to him, swallowing heavily. He sees the sweat on her forehead, sees her flushed cheeks and heavy eyelids. "Commander, should I call Chakwas?" But he is already moving toward the med-bay when Shepard's hand reaches out and grasps his to halt him. Her touch is sudden and hot and intoxicating in a way that makes Kaidan still at the intake of breath upon the feel of her skin. It is so small, and so innocent, and she is not even aware of her affect that Kaidan is hesitant to lose the simple sensation that comes with the skin of her palm against his arm. It scares even him.

She seems to notice his surprise at her unexplained silence and informal touch and smiles softly at him, releasing his hand and instead patting the seat next to her. "That won't be necessary, Lieutenant. It's just the vision. I think the mind meld with Liara just made it resurface."

Kaidan slowly lowers himself to the seat and feels the chill of space beyond the glass before them. He looks out at the whizzing planets and stars as they glide through the cosmos. He sets the e-pad he had in his other hand against the tabletop and pulls one leg up on the bench, turning his head to watch her better. "Does it hurt?" He is surprised at the ease at which his words come. He thinks he shouldn't be talking this way with her. But there is something about her in the dim light of the passing galaxy that keeps him still and soft and silver beside her.

Shepard runs a hand through her tangled black curls, whirling the hair around one hand to knot it in a thick bun. A loose strand falls against her cheek and Kaidan is almost transfixed enough to actually reach out and brush it back. But he catches himself in time, swallows thickly instead and watches her in the faded slanted beams from the window.

She shakes her head slightly. "Not anymore. It's mostly passed. I just felt a bit cramped in my quarters when it first woke me. Needed a bit more open space." She furrows her brow slightly as she looks back at the tabletop behind them and catches sight of the e-pad he had placed atop it. "What about you?"

Kaidan follows her gaze to the e-pad and picks it back up, scrolling through files slowly. "Oh, I just – my shift starts at 0500 and I usually take this time to write to family. It's usually quiet and deserted so it gets me time to think. The view from the opened shutters usually gets me started on a good note. And it's a solid start to the day. It reminds me why I'm on this ship and on this mission. I'm here for them. Writing keeps them more present to me."

Shepard purses her lips slightly. "Am I intruding on that?"

Kaidan stumbles through words that should be easy. "No, you're not – it's completely fine, it's not like you're – no, you're fine. Huh," he laughs, somewhat awkwardly and with nervously licked lips, his body turning from her to stand. "I'm just going to grab a cup of joe first."

"Kaidan."

The sound of his name on her lips stops him, and he is silent in his stare of her, his hands clutching the e-pad between his fingers. "Commander?" He curses himself for the quake in his voice.

But she does not let on that she hears. She only looks at the cold dark window. "Why is this view so enticing to you?"

For a moment Kaidan is afraid she has seen his heavy stares this whole time, has caught him sneaking glances across the mess when they share meal time. And then he remembers himself and releases that hastily held breath and realizes she's speaking of space behind the glass. He licks his lips, searching for a response. "I guess it's that romantic frontier idealism in me," he laughs softly. "Mom and Dad always used to go on about the stars to me. About all the worlds and planets out there. How the stars aren't quite so out of reach. There's something magical about space, I think." He finds his hands in the pockets of his sweats, his shoulders shrugging nonchalantly.

Shepard looks at him and smiles lightly, and Kaidan recognizes that same glint in her eye he sees when they're facing down the barrels of guns, when they're running through platoons of geth in exhilarating explosions of biotic and tech power, their bodies screaming in exhaustion and pushing and straining and running further, their hands trembling with force and sensation. That glow of destructive creation behind her eyes, that breathless moment between bullets and reload, that rush that fills her whole body with vibrance.

Her smile drops slowly, so quietly you would have never known it was there in the first place. "I don't…remember too much about my parents. But I do remember what my mother always told me about space. It's…really the reason I joined the Alliance. You know, it wasn't the stars that fascinated her. She always said that it was the blank space between stars that excited her."

Kaidan cocks his head in question and Shepard turns her face to look back out the glass. It is dark and chill and quiet. The silver is soft upon her face.

"It's where just about anything could happen. She would say that the stars are already there, the planets are already formed, the worlds are already built. But that dark space, that blank, unknown, lost distance between the stars, that's where the real magic happens. That's where all the possibilities lie. That's where we have the ability to be creators. It may be terrifying and new and unlike anything we've seen but it is the empty places between the light that grant us the chance to do more, to seek more, to _be_ more."

Shepard turns her green gaze to Kaidan and he finds his breath caught somewhere between his chest and the galaxy outside swirling like uninhibited opportunity, splashing light and dust and heat into balls of creation.

Shepard pushes herself slowly from the bench and walks to the shutter, places her hand against the cool, thick glass and feels the magic swirl beneath her touch. She closes her eyes and breathes in. This feeling is absolute. She can almost taste the cosmos dancing on her tongue. This world of risk and chance and gamble, this possibility of creation, this open road before her, this faulting light and beautiful dark, this everything and nothing all at once. This is what she was made for.

She keeps one hand to the window, flicks her gaze to Kaidan, and feels the touch of the unkown against her palm.

Kaidan cannot take his eyes from her.


	2. The Burden of Command

Disclaimer: I own nothing, I make no money.

Author's Note: I don't think it needs saying but there is some creative license taken with this story. Please enjoy.

Sheparding Men

Chapter Two: The Burden of Command

"_ She does not pretend that it is easy. She does not promise her crew clear skies or blank rounds." _The story of Commander Shepard's three great loves: Kaidan, Thane and Garrus. And the gifts they each gave her. Memory, Passion, Constancy.

"Jesus Murphy, it's freezing out here," Kaidan mumbles under his breath, pulling his arms tighter into his chest and following Shepard and Tali out the Normandy airlock. He glances around the Port Hanshan docking bay.

Shepard stops in her stride and turns to the Lieutenant. "I'm sorry, what?" She cannot help the chuckle that lines her voice.

Kaidan blinks at her momentarily, and then laughs himself, shrugging his shoulders. "Nevermind. Canada speak."

Shepard laughs and keeps walking.

* * *

Tali is the first to suggest retrieving Liara from the Normandy when they hear about Benezia's presence on Noveria. Shepard looks to Kaidan unconsciously. His jaw is tight and closed. He nods, and they return to the dock.

This is not how Shepard wants Liara to remember her mother.

* * *

It is the first time Liara has witnessed Shepard's driving as they leave Port Hanshan's garage. She holds on for dear life. And Kaidan tries desperately to direct the Commander, his hand getting slapped away as he points out the ever-nearing cliff edge.

"I got this", Shepard urges. Kaidan wants to laugh at her but he fears he might get shot for it.

* * *

There is a shrill screeching burning into Shepard's mind when she sees the first rachni rampaging them, throwing aside a thick sheet of metal in its path with a strength that momentarily stuns Shepard. She dives left, barely escaping the spray of some slick, putrid venom as it shoots past her. She tumbles through the snow and gets to her feet quickly, returning her sniper rifle to its carrier and frantically grasping for her Carnifex. The sharp tearing sound of them is enough to throw her senses out of whack before she swings her pistol toward the sound and lodges three bullets into the shrieking animal's skull. Without hesitation, she throws an Incinerate toward the spindly rachni and watches in mild fascination and horror as it burns and thrashes, a sharp pained wail scraping from its throat.

She is frozen at the sight before the same piercing cry is drilling into her head again and she shakes the temporary paralysis from her mind in time to catch Kaidan's scraping and harsh scream of pain. She whips her head around and finds Liara biotically throwing a second ambushing rachni into the glass wall of Peak 15's tunnel. She is not fast enough.

The rachni's poison splashes across Kaiden's shoulder and it is all he can do to not drop to his knees just then with the burning pain of it. His shields are wiped clear of his armor in that instant and Shepard moves with an intensity she hadn't thought possible. Kaidan gets off two shots at the tumbling form of the rachni, his other hand moving to hold against his wounded shoulder holding his firearm. But he is shuddering in pain, his aim hindered, and the shots only graze the rachni. Shepard is suddenly charging the alien, her pistol rounding shot after shot into her opponent's scrambling body, Shepard's roar of fury loud and echoing in the chamber before Liara's hand on her shoulder alerts her to the still carcass of the rachni before her.

Shepard pulls in a deep, shaking breath, her pistol still heavy in her hands and turns her gaze to her companions. "What – in the _fuck_ – was that?"

Liara is trembling but unharmed, her mouth moving without sound. She only shakes her head in confusion.

Shepard is watching Kaidan as he stumbles forward, his hand still holding the fiery pain of his shoulder, and Shepard notices the faint blinking of his shields as they attempt to recharge. He grunts softly, moving to grab his own weapon, and when he winces at the pain of such an attempt, Shepard is suddenly in front of him, her hands steady on his frame.

"Easy there, Lieutenant." Her voice is smooth and calming and warm inside the cased walls of the Peak 15 tunnels. Outside the blizzard whips mercilessly.

Kaidan is abruptly aware of her face close to his, her breath light in its cloud form between them, the air chill and stifling all at once. She is checking his shoulder, her eyes affixed to his injury and Kaidan swallows down that unexplainable urge to lean in to her.

Shepard narrows her eyes at the injury, at the greenish tint casing his armor, already seared as if by acid. She pulls her arm up, lighting up her omni-tool in a quick scan of the blistered skin and it shows no permanent damage, no lingering toxin in his system. But the wound is slow to heal and she frowns slightly before moving to apply medi-gel.

Kaidan's sudden grasp of her wrist catches her off guard and she swings wide eyes to him. He is shaking from pain, and something else sharp and burning with her closeness. But he furrows his brow at her and shakes his head, his hold of her wrist never lessening. "Commander, I'm fine. We only have four packs. And God knows what else is down there," he jerks his head toward the faint green light of the elevator console, glinting lowly in the barren chamber as if taunting them. "Don't waste your medi-gel on this."

Shepard grinds her teeth and pulls her arm from Kaidan's grasp, her stare challenging and uncompromising. "Kaidan."

And just the sound of his name is enough to make him surrender.

"It's your firing arm. You're no use to me like this. Take it, and fall in line." The warm glow of her omni-tool lights the air between them. Shepard returns her attention to his wound, not waiting for his reply, and she knows he will not fight her. But her hold on his shoulder, her lingering touch as she slips from his grasp, her heavy gaze before she turns back to Liara, they all breathe of some tender notion she could not put in words. She only nods to him silently, the stoic clench of her jaw final and unquestionable. Liara is silent beside them. They continue into the elevator.

Kaidan misses her warmth already.

* * *

"Rachni?" Liara's soft gasp of surprise is mildly entertaining to Shepard. She doesn't know what the hell is going through Saren's mind. But the warnings of the volus doctor before her plant a subtle, heavy fear in her. There is something darker here. There is something brutal and inescapable lingering in the shadows, waiting for them.

* * *

Benezia's body is slumped against the control panel, her final words lingering in the air around them. There is silence around the room, only the faint scratching and wailing of the rachni queen as she claws from her prison. Shepard watches as the alien breaks free from her constraints, the raised holding cell breaching the Noverian surface several feet above them.

Dead asari commandos litter the floor around them. Kaidan is checking any bodies for life signs. Shepard is watching Liara.

She stares at her mother's body, how her head is slumped over her shoulder, her lips parted in her last breath, the faint ebb of biotic energy leaking from her body until it fades into the floor at their feet. There is everything still and final and broken about the matriarch's form on the floor before them.

Liara closes her eyes and hums a song Shepard does not recognize. Her voice is lined with tears she is not ready to shed, her fists clenched and shaking at her sides and she cannot move to touch the fallen body of her mother. So she stands, and she breathes, and she sings softly to herself in a voice she hopes will sound like _her_ one day.

It is all she can do not to break in this moment.

Shepard stands beside her watching uselessly. She has no words that will make any of this better. So she turns and leaves Liara to her grief.

* * *

It isn't until she finds herself sitting in the mess hall across from Liara and Garrus that she recognizes the change in Liara. The asari is silent, solid in her seat, lifted somehow in a way that makes Sheard ache at the pain of it. Liara's eyes are low and determined, regretful in ways Shepard will never understand. But she smiles nonetheless, and Liara finds the tears quick to her eyes, her smile shaking in response.

Garrus puts his fork down, his vulnerable "Hey…" muted and low between them, his arm coming up to wrap around Liara's shoulders and Shepard catches the break in her face before she is crumbling into Garrus's side. This is the first they have seen her cry since her mother's death.

Shepard catches the eye of several marines around the mess and everyone leaves with an unspoken knowledge. Liara's hiccups and sobs are smothered in Garrus's chest, and Shepard feels the urge to reach a hand across the table to either of them, both of them, anyone really. Because she thinks that touch is needed here. Because she knows what physical intimacy means. And because she doesn't know how to be there for someone in the simplest of ways. She doesn't know how to bandage grief. She doesn't know how to be 'that person'. That shoulder. So she keeps her hands in her lap and clears the room with a glance, lets the quiet and Garrus hold Liara instead as she cries and shakes.

Garrus and Shepard look at each other. And they know the worst is still to come.

* * *

Shepard finds herself lounging in one of the navigator's chairs in the cockpit sometime after the Noveria mission. Her limbs are heavy, her body slumped and she has too little energy to trade snark with Joker at this moment.

"So is it just a matriarch thing?" he asks beside her.

Shepard raises a brow in Joker's direction and finds him sliding star charts across his pilot terminal. He's not even looking at her.

"What is?" Shepard is not even sure she wants to ask the question.

"The chest." Joker raises a lewd brow in Shepard's direction and she pulls a hand to her mouth, unable to catch all the laughter from spilling forth. But she pulls in a sobering breath and narrows her eyes at her pilot.

"Joker, this is hardly the time. Liara just lost her mother." But Shepard is too exhausted to put a more demanding tone behind her statement.

Joker just shrugs and returns to his terminal. "Come on, Commander, it's not like I'm about to ask Liara her mom's bust size. I'm a tad more sensitive than that."

"Are you? I couldn't tell." Her smirk is the first she's felt in days, and before Joker can answer she stands from her seat, pats his arm affectionately and walks from the cockpit.

"Two hours to Binthu, Commander, in case you got too distracted to ask," Joker shouts behind her.

Shepard sucks in her reply and keeps moving, shaking her head.

* * *

Admiral Kahoku's last message spurs something furious and regretful in Shepard. She is grabbing her gear from the weapon bench as the engineers ready the Mako. Behind her, her team waits for orders. Her instinct is to take Garrus. She has never questioned his loyalty. But she stops. Remembers the reputation that Cerberus has. She motions for Kaidan and Ashley to follow. This is a human problem. And she wants human eyes to take this in. Somehow she feels that this ugliness shouldn't be seen by others.

It's a foolish thought. A useless hope. But when they find Kahoku's body limp and cold upon the floor of the research lab on Binthu, Shepard is surprisingly glad that this horrible mess of ambition and disregard for life is not visible to her alien teammates still waiting aboard the Normandy.

She looks to Ashley, and the Gunnery Chief opens her mouth in some comforting gesture. But there are no words for this kind of hideousness. So she closes it, silently. Ashley can only bend to retrieve the dog tags from around the admiral's neck. She holds them tight in her palm, whispers something that sounds religious to Shepard and then the Gunnery Chief is hard and ready and determined once more. Shepard wants to say something. Wants to make sense of this. But Ashley eyes her in a way that speaks of something stronger than words, her hold on her shotgun tight and sure, and Shepard knows that _this_, this Ashley Williams before her, this is the humanity she needs to remember when she finds herself knee deep in Cerberus research projects.

Behind them, Kaidan is looking at the floor, his own remorse bleeding into the air around them, and Shepard finds her hand along his shoulder before she knows she is moving to him. He looks at her, the slight quirk of his lip moving in recognition, and his eyes are grateful on hers. She lingers with him longer than is appropriate, and it is only Ashley's expectant clearing of her throat that moves Shepard form her lieutenant. Kaidan nods in gratitude, and together, the three of them exit the death-filled chamber, hoping the humanity they carry with them is strong enough to outweigh this horror around them.

The air stinks of mortality. And Shepard is relieved to find the steady breaths of Kaidan and Ashley beside her as they make their way up the tunnel toward the awaiting Mako.

* * *

"Holy _fuuuc_-!" Shepard scrambles from her cover of crates just as a grenade blows the stockpiled fuel cells beside her. She dives left, tumbling back into the stairway of the mercenary bunker. She grapples for the railing to hold her fall, her ears almost blowing out with the sound of the blast and she feels the wall of the stairwell vibrate when the debris and shrapnel blow into it. Gritting her teeth, she clambers back up the couple of stairs and leans against the wall for cover, peeking out momentarily to case the room.

"Dammit, Garrus, I said cover me!" Shepard catches sight of the turian several feet across from her on the other wall of the room, hunched behind more crates, his sniper locked and spitting bullets. She curses into the communication link in her helmet. She can hear the pirates scrambling at the other end of the bunker's room from them, between bullets shredding the crates the Normandy team were using as cover.

Garrus only shrugs, one hand raised in defense and Shepard could swear she sees his smirk behind his visor. "It'd be a lot easier if you didn't crouch in the proximity of fuel cells. I know you don't read asari, Shepard, but that little flame symbol tends to mean 'explosive'."

Shepard scoffs, reaching around the wall to send a bullet sailing through the skull of a pirate sprinting for cover. "Screw you, Vakarian!" But her voice is equal mix humor and grit. "I was about to sprint anyway."

He laughs loudly. "You were taking too long." Garrus reloads his Mantis. Another headshot. More pirates flood in from the east entrance.

"Then your aim better be faster than your mouth this time." Shepard grins devilishly, her breathing heavy behind her visor. She feels a biotic throw pound into the wall of the stairwell and Shepard takes the moment to jump from her cover and run for Garrus' position. He shouts in sudden surprise, unleashing several shots as she sprints for him. She slides into the space next to him, bullets thudding the floor her feet were pounding just a fraction of a second ago. The crates are large enough for both of them but she collides into him when she slides for cover and his responding "oof" and unintelligible curse are drowned out by the hail of bullets from the new wave of pirates and mercenaries coming in at the far end of the room.

Shepard only snickers, punching his arm and grabbing for her rifle. "Ready?"

He laughs, shaking his head at her as he steadies himself from their collision. When he nods, they break from cover and move in unison.

* * *

"So we're just hired guns now, Commander? Good to see the human tax dollars at work."

"Hardly, Joker. But I'm still a Spectre. And Dahlia Dantius was a slave trader. Ergo, big bloody battle with me on top. It had to happen."

"You're like a reluctant Robin Hood of the galaxy. Righting wrongs and fighting crime."

"That doesn't even make sense. There's no tyrant king in this situation."

"Well, that all depends on what day of the week it is for the Council."

"So, what? You're all my Merry Men? Wait a minute, don't answer that. There is so much wrong in that analogy I don't even know where to begin."

"Yeah, maybe I didn't think that one through."

"I know! You're all like…my Spectre-ettes."

"Ooh, low blow, Shepard. Not even 'Spectre gang'? _Spectre-ettes_? You just had to go there, didn't you? Sounds like a group of backup singers."

"I'll even let you work the harmonies, Joker."

"Gee thanks, boss."

* * *

"So where does the name Alenko come from anyway?" Shepard removes the barrel from her Mantis and begins to pull apart the trigger mechanism, careful not to upset the micro-scaled mass accelerator. Beside her at the weapon bench, Kaidan is also breaking down and cleaning his Cobra pistol.

"It comes from Vancouver," he chuckles, throwing a soft smirk in her direction.

"Oh yes, I've heard of that tribe before."

Kaidan laughs, and the sound is light and natural and everything that Shepard thinks is good. She swallows, her throat suddenly tight. He is standing close enough for her to sense his body heat beside her. Their elbows bump, and she feels the inexplicable urge to watch his hands as they move over his pistol. Those sure and purposeful hands.

"I think it's some variation of Greek actually."

His voice brings her attention back to her own weapon and she flicks her gaze up to catch his eye.

"My grandmother told me something about it once." His smile is soft and nostalgic, and Shepard wants to know what that feels like. She turns back to her work as he continues. "How Alenko was derived from Alenka, and that from Alena and then Helena and then finally starting with Helen somewhere down the line of Greek heritage."

"Wait," Shepard can't help the look of disbelief that crosses her features. "You're named after a woman?"

"You know," Kaidan chuckles, the spring in his hand coming up to point at Shepard, "Helen of Troy was considered the most beautiful. So maybe it was _that_ that my ancestors tried to pass down."

"Ah, beauty." Shepard licks her lips absently, her eyes on the laid out weapon before her while she grabs a cleaning rag from the drawer at the edge. "Now, that I can see in you." Her eyes are subtle on his when he looks to her, and there is a silence passed between them that is anything from uncomfortable. Kaidan glances unconsciously to her lips before clearing his throat and returning to his work. Shepard feels the corners of her lips tilting up in a sly smile.

"There are some other names – very manly I promise – in my family."

Shepard releases a snorted laugh at Kaidain's statement.

Kaidan raises an eyebrow to her and continues. "My mother's maiden name was 'Skala'. It's Slavic, from someplace called Czech or something. I forget all the family tree information. Especially since the European countries have changed borders so much in the last three hundred years. Anyway, 'Skala' is supposed to mean 'rock' I believe." He finds this trading of words with Shepard unforced and effortless. There is something soothing in her mere presence beside him. "And then the other main family name is Doru. Romanian from _dor_, if my grandfather knows what he's talking about." At this Kaidan eyes Shepard, her focused greenish-brown eyes, her dark tangled hair pulled into a braid down her back, the tan smooth skin, the quiet fierceness, the bold, unblinking willpower, the subtle, vulnerable burden of command. He brushes against her absently. "It means 'longing'."

Shepard blinks. There is something laden and craving in his voice then. It makes her skin grow warm beneath her uniform and she finds herself unable to look at him then. She swallows thickly and keeps working, feeling his gaze on her the entire time. He looks back to his pistol after a few moments and Shepard wonders at this fear, at this thrilling exposure she feels.

She wonders what his lips taste like.

"And you?"

Shepard whips her head around to look at him, her "What?" breathless and shaky.

Kaidan motions to her with the part in his hand. "Your family name. What's in your heritage?"

Shepard opens her mouth in understanding and then closes it, because words are suddenly impossible at the way he is looking at her now. She didn't think he could ever make her feel powerless. There is silence between them for a second before Shepard moves to wipe the length of the gun barrel in her hand, her voice steady and sure now in a way she didn't feel at all in this moment. "Well, 'Shepard' is pretty self-explanatory. It's from the English side of my family. For 'sheperd', you know, herder."

"Leader."

Shepard smiles at Kaidan's input. "Yeah. The majority of my family is English, Irish, Hungarian, Spanish and Italian. Odd mix, I know," she finishes at Kaidan's questioning look.

"How do you know all this, if you don't mind my asking," Kaidan wonders softly, "if you were orphaned at such a young age?"

Shepard sighs in a way that tells Kaidan family is a strange and dangerous thing for her. Full of wounds and hurt and loss. And it is always present. "When I became N7 I gained access to certain census data. Anderson let me look through files for information on my family."

"What did you find?" The room felt so hollow and empty then. There was only Shepard before him.

Her eyes are far-off and regretful when she finally answers. Her voice haunted in ways Kaidan will never understand. "A lot of dead bodies. And no answers to speak of."

"I'm sorry, Shepard, I didn't – " Her name slips from his lips without him realizing and it has never felt so right before.

"Don't worry about it, Kaidan," she offers before he can finish apologizing, a hand coming up to hold his arm, and her touch lingers unsurely.

Kaidan averts his gaze, because if he continues to look at her like this he won't be able to stop at such an innocent touch. His skin burns for her. There is so much he wants to hold and taste and _feel_. It isn't until he must look away that he realizes how strong this pull is to her. He can't ignore it any longer.

Shepard clears her throat and drops her hand from him, moving her attention back to cleaning her weapon. "But I did find out about some heritage."

Kaidan fiddles with his pistol chamber and nods for her to continue.

"The English and Irish was on my Dad's side. The other family name there was 'Durnin'. It's supposed to be Gaelic for a 'descendant of Doirnín' or some such shit."

Kaidan quirks a brow at her choice of words.

"Supposed to mean 'little fist'."

Kaidan bursts out laughing unexpectedly and Shepard just stands there blinking at him. He holds a hand to his stomach to stop the laughing, and he looks at her, his other hand bracing him against the weapon bench. "I'm sorry," he breathes between chuckling. "It's just…the _irony_." He pulls himself together, wiping a hand at his eye and slowly moving back to his position at the bench while Shepard shakes her head and grumbles beside him. "Tell me you laughed when you read that."

The sly smile Shepard is unable to hide is answer enough for him.

"Anyway," she urges, pulling his attention back, "My mom's side had the Spanish, Italian and Hungarian. Probably where I get this unmanageable hair," she finishes, flicking her thick braid over her shoulder. "The Spanish family name was 'Oleastro'. Can't remember exactly if it meant 'olive tree' or 'dweller by the wild olive tree' or something else entirely that I'm butchering." She chuckles softly.

The two continue working together comfortably, her words flowing naturally between them and nothing has ever felt so easy.

"The main Italian name was 'Lagorio'. I didn't find much on that. Something about a green lizard that protects against vipers. But that might be ancient bullshit. And my mother's maiden name was the Hungarian 'Vadas'." Here Shepard stops and smiles devilishly at Kaidan. "Means 'wild animal'."

"Somehow I'm not surprised," he chuckles faintly. He receives a punch to the arm in response and they bump against each other momentarily, laughing and scraping before Shepard finds her face suddenly close to Kaidan's, her breath caught in the space between them. They each still in unison, and Kaidan cannot help the way his thumb grazes her wrist as he holds her arm in his. He is leaning toward her before he can question himself, his eyes dark and unhindered. Shepard feels herself tremble inside when she looks at him, but something tight and anchored in her heart makes her pull her free hand up to rest against his chest in the slightest pressure. It halts his lean forward, and his face crumbles in shame, as he instantly pulls away.

"Shepard, I'm – I mean Commander, I'm sorry. That was completely inappropriate and –"

"No, Kaidan," she is shaking her head, pulling him back to her. He stands before her, just as close as earlier, but his gaze is to the floor, his shoulders broad and straight and back to regulation. But her touch is tender and shaking and everything that screams of openness when she reaches a hand to his chin to make him look at her.

Their eyes meet and Shepard bites her lip, unable to explain why she is unable to move to him. "You did nothing wrong. _Nothing_." She hopes he understands that this is not his fault.

Kaidan opens his mouth to say something. But he is caught in this tangle of rank and emotion and nothing he thinks to say sounds right one way or the other. But he will not betray what seems natural with her. So he swallows thickly, reaches for her hand on his face and pulls her touch from him. He cannot think straight when she is this close. So he steps back. "I can't stop thinking of kissing you."

Shepard blinks in surprise at his admission, still and motionless in the wake of his words. That voice. That conviction.

"And maybe I was misinterpreting signals on your part. But if I'm not, and you want this as much as I do," his eyes grow hooded and there is something yearning in his gaze, "then the ball is in your court. You know where I stand, Commander."

Shepard licks her lips and feels her chest rising in shaky breathes.

"I'll let you finish your work here," Kaidan motions to the bench where their weapons were still laid out. "I'll work on mine when the bench is free. I have a marine detail to oversee. Commander."

His salute is stiff and forced and Shepard cannot do anything but watch his back as he retreats toward the elevator.

* * *

"Something doesn't smell right," Wrex grumbles into the air, just as Ashley walks over to the remaining floundering geth and unleashes a blast from her shotgun into its chest cavity. The twitching, stuttering synthetic finally falls silent on the ground and Ashley glances back at all the other geth littering the Zhu's Hope docking port.

"A platoon of dead geth? I'd say there's nothing wrong with that." Ashley wipes the barrel of her shotgun and then holsters it.

Shepard eyes Wrex. She's already in a foul mood and really not looking for something else to add. "What is it?"

He sniffs the air for a second, finding nothing distinctive enough to trace, and shakes his head. "I don't know. But every nerve in my body is screaming for blood. Just watch yourselves."

Shepard nods appreciatively to Wrex. First geth, and now some krogan spidey sense. Shepard wants to hit something.

* * *

"Of _course_ it's a giant living plant. Because we don't have enough weird shit in this galaxy. We need to throw in killer flora." Shepard rubs a hand down her face and hears Ashley snickering behind her.

Lizbeth Baynham eyes the Commander curiously.

Wrex charges his shotgun. "Well, this just got fun."

* * *

"Alright, use the gas grenades to incapacitate the colonists. But at the end of the day, we only have so many. After that, use any and all force necessary to get to that underground entrance. Understood?"

"No problem here," Wrex bellows, his grin breaking free along the hard planes of his face, his shotgun already ready in his hands.

Shepard narrows her eyes at him. "Only _after_ we run out of gas, Wrex."

"You spoil all my fun, Shepard." He's itching for a fight with something that actually bleeds. Geth are too…shiny.

"Commander." Ashley's voice is firm and unafraid. "Isn't there another way? These colonists have been through a lot. I don't want their blood on my hands if this goes south."

Shepard eyes her Gunnery Chief briefly, and something she thought she lost back on Earth made her hesitate for a moment. But it is gone quickly and she finds the words already ready on her tongue. She does not falter. "Tough shit, Williams. You signed up to be a soldier. Sometimes you do shit you don't want to do."

"But Commander – "

Shepard's eyes flash and even Wrex can sense her immediate anger.

"Listen up, Chief," Shepard spits in Ashley's face, her finger jutting into the other woman's chest. "When you're busy trying to simply knock one unconscious, or disarm them, another one is going to catch you from behind and they won't be using the safety on their weapons. So when your brains are spilling out on the floor and I have no one covering my back, _then_ you can wonder if there isn't another way. Until then, you fall in line. The mission is what matters. Do you understand?" There is something hard and sharp and unreadable in Shepard's eyes, her mouth tight and pulled into a deep frown.

Ashley feels the urge to argue rising in her throat, feels the words collecting there with stinging vehemence. But this is not the time. And some part of her knows that when it comes down to her or them, she will never hesitate to pull the trigger. But she hates that Shepard says it. She hates that it _must_ be said. So her eyes harden and she puts the focus on the current mission. She nods abruptly, her jaw clenched. "Yes, Ma'am!"

Shepard sighs, a sound so faint and weary that Ashley barely hears it. But she understands then that Shepard hates it too. Hates that the call must be made. Hates that she will _always_ be the one to make the call. Hates that life and breath and chances are cut short at her hands. But this is the life she chose. And she knows how to walk away when the bodies hit the floor. She knows how to walk away with some semblance of sanity in this brutal, bloody galaxy. It is all she can do to wake up the next day and remember the lives that still need saving. She does not pretend that it is easy. She does not promise her crew clear skies or blank rounds. But she has always promised her loyalty, always promised her fierce support, always promised to be that gun watching their backs as they creep forward through the dark and disturbing alleys of space. She has always promised herself to her crew.

Ashley swallows down that sharp pang of fear and guilt, following the Commander as they make their way up the ramp and into the tower. She finds she would follow this woman anywhere. Even to death.


	3. Lost

Disclaimer: I own nothing, I make no money. Quoted lines from the poem "After-Thought" are property of Alfred Lord Tennyson.

Author's Note: Man, I seem to be writing longer and longer chapters. Which I don't think is a bad thing. I'm just insanely happy that I'm posting this on a sorta timely basis. Because I'm notorious for long waits between updates. I think I'm just utterly enjoying writing this. And don't want to be a dick writer. Well.

Also, forgot to mention in the first chapter but this story will contain material from downloadable content in all the games, like Kasumi, Zaeed, Shadow Broker, Omega, Citadel and all those goodies. Not that we're at that point yet but just for future reference.

Sidenote: Yes, I know that there's a lot of Ashley in this chapter considering she's not being romanced AT ALL in this fic, but she needed a solid goodbye. And this is the Virmire chapter so it's going to happen. The Tennyson poem I quote in this chapter is "After-Thought". Thanks. And enjoy.

Sheparding Men

Chapter Three: Lost

"_Her face crumbles with the words, and she squeezes her eyes shut to the onslaught. There is everything tearing and pointless and inevitable in this moment."_ The story of Commander Shepard's three great loves: Kaidan, Thane and Garrus. And the gifts they each gave her. Memory, Passion, Constancy.

The Thorian is dead. The cipher is fresh in Shepard's mind. The recurring vision of dying Protheans, the pleading cry piercing through the fog of the beacon's wail. The failed and gory warning. The collective knowledge and fear and waning of an entire species. Shepard holds a hand to her heart and feels the weight of death lingering there, lying in wait for her. She hears the screams and feels the wounds, she _knows_ the experience of death through this dark cipher. She bears every frantic cry and desperate breath of the Protheans' downfall. She watches the demise of an empire through sickened eyes and every drop of her blood screams in defiance. She closes her eyes and thinks of Earth. Kaidan's face appears behind her lids.

* * *

Shepard finds herself lying awake in her cot most nights. She watches the sleek wisp of stars past her window. She watches the strips of space between balls of light and feels lost. She has known only one home. She has known only one Earth. There is something far-off and doomed about the Normandy. Something heavy in her hull. This ship speeds Shepard towards her death. She knows it. Feels it when she lies awake aching at nights. She does not want to be alone in this empty, endless space.

* * *

"What's it like?"

Tali's question is soft and hesitant. Shepard turns her gaze to the quarian as the Mako shakes around them, still within the Normandy's cargo hold as they lower to Earth's moon. Liara is strapping herself into the cockpit, readying the gears for landing. The cool, grey horizon of Luna sleeps below them. Shepard is checking her rifle when Tali's voice sounds across from her. She watches her on the bench.

"Earth. What's it like?" Tali is still and unsure across from Shepard.

Shepard blinks and stills her hands on her Mantis. "I'm…probably not the person to ask."

"You're exactly the person to ask." Tali sits with her elbows on her knees, her hands grasping her shotgun before her.

There is the steady rumble as they enter the Moon's atmosphere and the slight jump of the momentum-dampeners as the cargo doors slowly open. A glimpse of the galaxy comes into view. Shepard can see the looming orb of Earth through the Mako's window. Fresh and luring and dangerous.

"It's…crowded." It is the first thing that comes to mind but Tali makes no motion to question her so Shepard continues. "And warm. It's…solid, beneath your feet." She closes her eyes and leans her head back against the Mako's side, resting the butt of her sniper rifle on the floor between her legs, her fingers gripping the cold barrel. "There are cities of great technology, of tall buildings and light and movement. And there are great planes of destruction." Shepard frowns, her eyes still resting shut. "Miles of burnt ash and dying trees that used to stand for cities. Empty fields. Holes. There are holes in my home."

The release of the Mako's cargo clamps jolts them momentarily as they descend to the moon's surface, flying free of the Normandy's hold and Tali can see the shrinking image of their ship in the window above her. She breathes silently across from Shepard and turns her gaze to catch a hint of green from Earth's surface as the thrusters kick in.

"It's disconnected." Shepard's voice is steady in the heavy thrum of burning atmosphere, her eyes still closed, her head still resting against the Mako's hull at her back. "But it's just lost. And lonely. And some days I swear it cries."

Shepard opens her eyes just as Tali turns her gaze to the commander. "It makes you feel important and useless all at once. It makes you yearn for the stars, and then makes you yearn for home once you're out there in space." Shepard finds the words suddenly heavy in her throat. Her remembrance of Earth is shattering and painful and exhilarating.

The sudden kick of the thrusters sound in their ears and Shepard and Tali feel the harsh and recognizable landing of the Mako on solid ground, their hands instinctively moving to grasp the handles in the wall for balance. The sudden break and rumbling dies quickly and Liara is looking back from her driver's seat to check on the two. Shepard nods resolutely and the steady tread of the Mako's tires on rock reverberates around them as Liara turns to the controls. Shepard feels herself shaking in motion with the vehicle. She looks out the starboard window and watches the ever-present image of Earth behind the glass.

Tali grips her shotgun and turns her gaze to the floor.

Shepard cannot stop staring at Earth through the window. "It's crazy, how Earth can feel so familiar and new all at once. How it can force you into change." Shepard feels the lodge of emotion in her throat and the faint image of her mother is just behind her eyelids. But it is momentary and fleeting and not enough to help her _remember_. "How everything can feel like home and yet not feel _lived in."_ She sighs, and she wipes the distant pull of family from her mind. "It's like a story you tell yourself every night to sleep. And when you wake you can't remember what is true and what is not."

Tali lifts her gaze to watch Shepard from her seat on the Mako' bench. The slight jarring and tumble of the vehicle jostles her and makes her pull her shotgun back into it's holster along her back, resting her hands against the bench to steady herself. There is so much she wants to say. But the image of a blue Earth outside their window stills her tongue in ways she cannot express.

Shepard sighs and moves to stand as she hears Liara's announcement of the Luna facility's proximity. She grabs a steadying handle in the ceiling and turns to the silent quarian. She swallows, and there is something longing and forgotten in her voice when she speaks. Her chest aches with recollection and desire. "Earth is like memory."

Tali stands as well, her own grip on the ceiling sure and fixed. "It sounds beautiful."

There is silence between the two for almost the full mission, until the last of the VI is destroyed and Shepard stands outside one of the bunkers, her rifle hanging at her side in her grip. She is staring up at the bright, beckoning taunt that is Earth. She can hear her own breath in her helmet, feel the slight prickling and weightlessness of the moon's gravity. She cannot stop staring.

Tali is suddenly beside her.

And the words are scared and regretful. "I miss it." Shepard's breath is sharp and halted between them. "I miss it so much." There is the slight choke of air on her words. "I don't know how I got so lost."

Tali moves to lay her head on Shepard's shoulder, her arm linking with the commander's beside her and her voice is even and familiar when she whispers her soft "I know". It floats in the air around them until Shepard can breathe steady, until she can look at the Earth and move to turn away. Until she can swallow down that sharp pang of need. She moves a hand to the comm. link in her ear. "Joker. We're ready for pickup. Get us off this rock."

Tali stands quietly beside her, watching, and Shepard opens her mouth to speak but the words die in her throat and she can only look at the quarian, feeling selfish and spoiled and guilty for knowing Earth. And for leaving it.

But Tali only links her arm once more with Shepard's and turns to look at Earth from their place on the moon. It is everything striking and unattainable. But Tali smiles behind her mask and holds Shepard's willing arm in her own. "We won't let the Reapers have it."

Shepard feels her face crumbling at Tali's words and it is only the cold and heavy weight of Luna's atmosphere that keeps her from falling to her knees in tears. She doesn't know if she's ready for this. She doesn't know if she's ready for _any_ of this.

Tali does not release her hold until the Normandy is within sight.

* * *

It is silent and barely-there when Kaidan realizes it. When the biotic terrorist's Throw is beaming toward him and suddenly Shepard's body is in his sight. When she is flinging herself before him and the heavy pound of biotic energy at her back makes her scream in sudden pain. When she hasn't the footing or the power to hold herself and she is flying into him, crashing their bodies into the heavy crate behind them. When he blinks in surprise and watches as she grits her teeth and pulls herself to her feet above him, her arm already swinging out to aim at the incoming terrorist. When her roar of fury is loud and bellowing and shaking. When her bullet rips through the enemy biotic's chest. When he sees her body trembling and hunched in pain, her eyes flashing to his as her hand moves out to reach for his own. When she is pulling him to his feet and there is the heavy heat between their bodies. When she clenches her jaw and there is something vulnerable in her eyes.

The rumble of Wrex's exploding shotgun pulls their attention back to the fight and Shepard is once more charging and furious and powerful.

When Kaidan remembers the weight of her body shielding his. He knows where she stands as well.

* * *

"Chicken pox, Pressly? Where in the hell did you catch that?" Shepard stands with her arms crossed watching her Navigator as he sits atop the med-bay table while Chakwas holds the scanner over him. Pressly sighs and moves to scratch at his neck, only to have his hand slapped away by Chakwas.

"Geez, Karin, it's just an itch. Come on, it's killing me!" Pressly's plead makes Shepard chuckle as she watches the two.

"Charles, I already gave you something for the itching. If you continue to scratch I will be forced to sedate you." Doctor Chakwas intones warningly as her scanner sounds a beep of completion and she moves to the computer to input the results.

"You're enjoying this, I just know it," he answers irritably. Pressly's shoulders slump and his frown is so mock petulant that Shepard almost doesn't recognize this man as her usual navigator. It makes her smile in a way she hasn't in a long time.

"When will he be fit for duty?" Shepard looks to Chakwas as the doctor leans over the computer.

"I want to keep him quarantined until his fever is down."

Pressly moves to stand and holds a hand to his forehead, a slight wave of dizziness washing over him. "There's no need for that, I just need some rest in my quarters, Commander. The doctor's drugs will flush this out shortly."

Chakwas stands and puts a hand to her hip. "It is most definitely necessary, Charles. The rest of the Alliance crew may have already had chicken pox or the vaccine, but we have no idea how our alien crew members may react should they come into contact with the virus."

Shepard grinds her jaw and nods in agreement.

Pressly leans back against the med-bay table. "I didn't…I didn't think about that." His eyes move to the ground momentarily, almost as if in shame, and it is enough to show Shepard the growth this man has seen. Enough for her to witness a change in a friend. It is decidedly welcome.

"Of course you didn't," Chakwas soothes calmly, as she moves to help Pressly back atop the bed. "But I'm the ship's doctor. It is my job to think of these things. So you will stay here until my scans read the virus as inactive in your system.

"Of course, Doctor." Pressly is quiet and willing as he takes her direction to the bed once more.

Shepard watches the scene and, for a moment, is free of this weight on her heart.

* * *

Virmire is the closest they have gotten to Saren. Shepard is filled with an anxiousness and a thrilling fear. Her body thrums in anticipation. She urges Joker to fly faster. She will later regret this.

* * *

"Goddamnit, I'm tired of all these stairs. Fuck it," Shepard throws out as she moves toward the ledge of the bridge overlooking the Mako's position. They had stopped to clear the geth presence on the bridge as they drove through the water-logged paths winding through Virmire's landscape to get to the salarian camp. And Shepard has had enough of walking up and down stairs to clear the synthetics from the bridges.

"Uh, Shepard, it's pretty slippery," Tali begins as she watches Shepard preparing to jump from the concrete ledge to the top of the Mako below them.

"It's only a few feet. Don't worry." Shepard leaps.

"I don't think – " Tali's hesitant warning is cut short by Shepard's surprised shriek as her boots slip form under her on the vehicle's wet surface and then the loud thump of Shepard falling on her ass atop the hard metal of the Mako. Her moan of pain is long and low.

Garrus's laughter fills the air around them. Tali stands above the concrete ledge, both hands held to her mouth in surprise and trying desperately to keep the giggles at bay as Shepard pushes off stiffly from the Mako, landing with her boots splashing in the water below. She cannot tell if the quarian is smiling behind her mask. She rubs at her backside tenderly, her cheeks already burning in embarrassment and she scowls as she looks up to see Garrus laughing loudly at her.

* * *

They are waiting and watchful on the beach of Virmire when Kirrahe first alerts them to Saren's plans for the breeding facility. When Ashley first suggests the possibility of putting down Wrex, Shepard is filled with an anger and disappointment she has never felt before. Her words are harsh and sharp to the Gunnery Chief, and Ashley clamps her jaw in silence, but not obedience. It is only then that Shepard realizes the extent of Ashley's loyalty, the hard decision in her conscience.

Ashley eyes Shepard in silent patience. It is not a hatred of aliens, it is not a personal dislike of Wrex, it has nothing at all to do with Wrex. It has everything to do with Ashley's unwillingness to abandon her commanding officer. Everything to do with Ashley's urge to protect Shepard, to commit herself fully and utterly to this mission, even if she must be the one to pull the trigger on a friend.

Shepard calms herself, pulls Ashley aside and takes several moments and breaths to express the words along her tongue. "You don't need to do this, Ash. I appreciate it, but it's okay. I would not ask you to put yourself in the middle of this.'

"No offense, Shepard, but I don't care what you'd ask of me. If he moves on you, I'll kill him." Ashley's words are short and unhindered, her stance solid and unmovable in the presence of Shepard.

The commander cannot hide her smirk at Ashley's boldness. She hopes it will not be necessary. "Let me talk to him. I don't think it'll come to death."

Ashley straightens and watches Shepard through guarded eyes. "'While we, the brave, the mighty, and the wise, we men who in our mourn of youth defied the elements, must vanish ; – be it so!' I will not cower. He should not either."

Shepard stills at Ashley's words, at the familiarity of a Tennyson poem they had shared earlier in the week while Shepard was visiting Ashley at her station. Something about it had held fast in her heart. She watches Ashley through vigilant eyes. In that simple admission she had opened her heart for the slaughter. She had voiced her allegiance and done it without regrets. Shepard could not ask for more of a soldier. She could not ask for more of a friend.

* * *

Wrex is still and composed beside them, but Shepard knows he is far from calm. He has listened to her, and trusted her in ways she knows she can never betray. And though his gun is lowered and his obedience of her orders voiced, she still does not trust to bring him into the breeding facility with her. So she asks him and Liara to protect Kaidan as he prepares the bomb, and instead takes Garrus and Tali with her into the thick of it. She watches Ashley as she heads off with the salarian soldiers and waves a last reassuring salute to her chief. Ashley nods and loads her shotgun in confidence. It is the last Shepard will see of her smile.

* * *

Shepard's body is worn and trembling with fatigue when they reach the looming beacon in Saren's research labs. There is something dark and foreboding about this one. Something that makes her steps heavy and reluctant toward it. When the deep, hollow voice of Sovereign fills the hall Shepard finally recognizes that dark feeling anchored in her heart. That fear.

As the identity of the Reapers is slowly revealed to them, as the secrets of Saren's planned genocide are laid out, Shepard's mind is racing with thoughts and memories and denials. She shakes her head, shuts her eyes to the rich bellow of Sovereign. She swallows and finds her breathes quick and uncontrollable.

She is galaxies away from the strength she needs to beat this peril. She is one person caught in this mess of galactic extinction. She is useless in the face of such a threat, small against the magnitude of such an enemy.

Tali and Garrus are steadfast beside her.

Shepard blinks her eyes open and watches the red, burning image if Sovereign on the console. Her rifle is heavy and reassuring in her hand. She hates this helplessness, hates this stillness. She needs to move. Needs to shoot something. Needs to _do _something. Needs to feel the life beating in her blood. Needs to remind herself that she is not done yet. She is _not_ done yet.

She will not sit back and do nothing, simply because she can do little. It matters. It all matters.

She slings forced bravado at the taunting Reaper. Inside, she is shaking.

* * *

"Everyone to the Normandy!" Shepard's shout is drowned out by hailing bullets and geth rocket launchers, the heavy weight of Kaidan slung over her shoulders and Garrus is suddenly beside her to help her. Tali is already running up the cargo ramp while Wrex stands at the top, his shotgun shuddering in his hand with every shot he unleashes on the following geth. Liara biotically throws three synthetics coming up on their right while Shepard and Garrus haul Kaidan's semi-conscious body up the ramp. Before she can even reach the top she sees Kirrahe and several salarian soldiers move from inside the Normandy's hull onto the ramp to join the firefight. It gives her and Garrus an unhindered path into the Normandy. She reaches a hand to the comm. link in her ear as they make it into the cargo hold and watches as Wrex, Tali, Liara and the salarians fend off incoming geth, slowly backing into the hold themselves. "Joker, get us the hell out of here!"

Joker's answering "Aye, aye ma'am!" is sure in her ear and she feels the heavy lift and shaking of the Normandy as the cargo bay doors slide closed and her crew rush to her side. It is all happening in seconds too short for Shepard to grasp. She looks up to see soldiers rushing from the elevator to greet them, grabbing Kaidan from her and she holds his gaze for a quick moment before she lets him be carried away to the med-bay. She can still hear the pounding of bullets on their hull as they begin to slowly lift off and her groundside crew move to strap themselves in.

The ship shakes with the resounding boom of a rocket exploding near the cargo bay doors and Shepard stumbles at the impact. Kirrahe steadies her quickly and shouts through the bombardment and rumbling of the Normandy's firing engines. "We only have a handful of minutes to get to a safe distance, Commander."

Shepard nods silently and finds herself running to the command deck. "Joker, pull up a view of the facility! I'm on my way up there."

Joker answers quickly over the line.

Shepard is sprinting with a renewed vigor that quakes in her muscles. "Williams, can you hear me? Come in, Ash!" Shepard is shouting into her comm. link, running up the length of the ship.

"All hands to their stations!" Joker's command sounds in the ship's speakers. "It's about to get bumpy."

Shepard can hear her own breath tight and frantic as her boots thump the gangway.

"- ere, Commander. I'm here." The crackling of their communication line is sharp in Shepard's ear, punctured by the sound of gunfire on the other side.

"Ashley, we're all aboard. Make a run for it." Shepard's voice is frenzied and thick with dread. It's so stupid. So stupid and useless and she cannot stand this foolish hope that breathes within her. But she will not say it aloud. She makes it to the galaxy map and grabs for the railing to steady herself, breathless and exhausted. She hears a scoff from Ashley's line.

"I can't outrun a blast like this. We both knew the consequences, Commander. Besides, we're pinned down. No way out now." Ashley's own voice is firm and accepting.

She knows this. But she will not be the one to say it. Shepard grips the railing and stares into the ground. She tries to rein in her breathing.

"I need you to do something for me, Commander." Ashley's request is followed by the blast of her shotgun and a soft curse under her breath. Shepard can hear the remaining salarian members of Kirrahe's squad fighting beside Ashley through the open line. "Anything, Chief." She pulls her gaze up to watch the image of the Virmire facility in the retreating view on screen before her.

Ashley's breathing is heavy and weighted, her voice shaking, and Shepard wants more than anything to be able to look her in the eye in this moment.

"I know you're not the religious sort or anything Commander, but can you – " her voice breaks unexpectedly and if Shepard had not known her Chief better she might have thought she heard tears. But Ashley shakes it away and pulls in a deep breath, firing another shot around her cover. "I need you to contact my mother and sisters. Tell them…tell them I'm with God now."

Shepard pulls a hand to her mouth and feels the anger and helplessness and regret claw up her throat. She is suddenly nauseous and trembling. She is nodding, trying desperately to keep from being sick. The Normandy speeds away relentlessly. The whole ship shakes around her. "I will. I will, Ash."

"It's been…" there is a grunt of pain and more gunfire. "It's been an _honor_…to serve with you, ma'am."

Shepard shakes her head and stands there useless. She stands there and listens to Ashley die.

There is a sudden scream on Ashley's end and Shepard calls to her frantically for several seconds, her eyes scanning the image of the facility before her as though she could make out a single person's form in the shrinking picture of the base.

Ashley lets out a gasp of pain on the other line, and curses into the air. The gunfire does not subside. "Dammit, I'm hit. I'm hit. Oh God, Shepard." Her voice is scared in a way Shepard has never heard before and she can do nothing but stand there and listen as Ashley writhes in pain. "There's so much blood."

"I'm right here, you hear me?" Shepard swallows down that guilt and sharp ache, tries to steady her voice. She finds the tears hot on her lids. She cannot stop shaking. "I'm right here, Ash. I'm not leaving you."

Ashley coughs into the comm. link and pulls in a wheezing breath as her lungs soak through with blood.

Shepard's grip on the rail tightens and she feels a pang deep-seated and bloody in her chest. There is the sound of an explosion on the other line, but Shepard's eyes have not left the screen and she sees their bomb has not gone off yet. She knows she has only seconds.

Ashley is shuddering on the other end of the line.

"You're the bravest person I know, Ash." Her face crumbles with the words, and she squeezes her eyes shut to the onslaught. There is everything tearing and pointless and inevitable in this moment.

Ashley's tone is soft and punctured with panic. Blood and fear color her voice. "I'm scared, Shepard."

The words break Shepard in ways she has never known and she is suddenly aflame with a hate and madness that she doesn't know how to soothe.

Ashley quakes in her vulnerability. "I'm…I'm so scared, Shepard. Oh God - oh _God_! Shepard, I don't want to die." Her voice trembles in Shepard's ear.

Shepard clicks the mute on her link just before she throws a reckless fist into the console beside her, her roar of fury drowned out by following tears. She lets the rage rip from her in harsh screams. Several marines look up worriedly from their posts to watch their commander. She quiets quickly, gripping the rail before her to calm herself.

She will not let Ashley hear this in her last moments. She pulls in a deep breath and steadies herself, tries to block out the shuddering gasps from Ashley as she lays there dying. She will not let her go like this. She clicks off the mute on her comm. link. Shepard finds her voice steady and purposeful in a way she will remember for the rest of her life. There is more to be felt here than pain or loss or rage. "'Enough, if something from our hands have power to live, and act, and serve the future hour;'" Shepard hears the uneven shaking of Ashley's breathing soothe slightly, feels the dim pain in her voice lessen, if only for one needful, terrible moment. She swallows and continues the words of Tennyson Ashley had read to her not three days ago. "'And if, as toward the silent tomb we go," Shepard finds her voice lodged in her throat momentarily, but she closes her eyes and swallows down that deep cut of emotion, pushes past the pain and continues, "through love, through hope, and faith's transcendent dower, we feel that we are greater than we know.'"

There is a long silence between them, punctured only by the relentless gunfire on Ashley's end, and the steady thrum of the Normandy's engines on Shepard's side.

There are tears and regret and need lost between them. But for a moment, for a barely there second, Shepard swears she can hear Ashley's smile on the other side.

"Shepard-"

And then the sudden explosion blows a painful feedback into Shepard's comm. and she is shouting in pain, pulling a hand to her pounding head. The ship jostles at a rippling wave speeding from the explosion. She looks up at the screen and it is alight with fire before it cuts to static.

* * *

When Shepard reports to the Council about the events on Virmire, her voice is remote and settled. She calmly accepts the halfhearted condolences of the Council members and acknowledges their request for her return to the Citadel. She alerts Joker to their new course and disconnects the communication terminal.

Kaidan watches from a distance with purposeful eyes.

* * *

When Kaidan finds her, she is straight-backed and dried-eyed. There is no remnant of the woman they glimpsed standing atop the command deck in Ashley's final moments. No weeping, no raging, no mention of their loss. She is simply leaning back against the wall of the Normandy's crew deck and watching the stars through the window. It is the first night since Ashley's death and Kaidan has left his quarters in hopes he'd find her. But not like this.

He watches her and does not believe the coldness in her features. "Shepard." Because they are way past 'Commander' at this point.

She turns to him, and there is something unreadable in her eyes that makes him step closer. "I…How are you?" He swallows and steps close to her.

She pulls herself from the wall and watches him, unflinching. "I'm fine, Kaidan. Was there something you needed?"

The silence is deafening around them in the empty crew deck.

Kaidan narrows his eyes at her in disbelief. The words are quick and harsh on his tongue before he can think to stop them. "How can you possibly be fine?"

Shepard turns her head to eye him in warning, but she does not speak and Kaidan is suddenly incensed without knowing the cause. "Ash is dead, Shepard." He cannot help the way the words come out in accusation. This is not how he wanted this conversation to go.

"I know," she answers lowly, her voice hard and cold in tones Kaidan has never heard from her before. "I'm the one who left her." There is no guilt in the statement. No regret. It throws Kaidan so hard that he moves to grab her arm.

"What is wrong with you? Don't you feel anything?" But he doesn't know how to stop with her. He has never known how to stop when it came to Shepard.

"Lieutenant, you will let go of my arm." Her words are as dead as her eyes. She does not move to shake him.

"No. It's my fault. It's my fault you made that decision. It's because – "

But his words are cut short by her scoff and it surprises him enough to release his hold of her.

"You think you have any weight when it comes to decisions of command?" Her eyes are narrowed sharply at him and she steps into him, her face almost a sneer as she peers up into his face. "You give yourself too much credit."

Kaidan blinks in surprise, his own confusion and guilt and anger blooming dangerously beneath his skin. "Don't lie to me, Shepard."

The planes of shadow in the space between them land in harsh slants across her face. It is a face he has never seen before.

"Not that I need to explain my actions to my _subordinates_," she intones meaningfully, her eyes sharp on his, "but I chose to come back for you because you were preparing the bomb. Had you died and Saren got to the bomb to disable it, none of this would have mattered. I made sure that bomb went off." She is suddenly jutting a finger into his chest and her jaw is tight and hard as she watches him through dark eyes. "And you can bet your ass, Kaidan, that if it had been Ashley with the bomb I would have left you in a heartbeat as well. The mission always comes first."

Kaidan swallows thickly at her admission and feels the breath heavy in his chest. All he wants to do is grab her by the arms and shake her. And he doesn't even know who he's angry at anymore. Or what this ache in is chest is all about. He only knows that she doesn't seem to be feeling it the way he is. And he doesn't understand why.

"What did you think? That I killed Ashley so I could do this?" Her words are followed by the sudden warmth of her hands on his face and the urgent pushing of her lips against his. There is a moment of stillness between them when she is urgent against him. He is so taken aback by the assault that he grabs for her wrists and pushes from her.

"What the hell, Shepard?" He wipes at his mouth, his hand shaking. This was not how he wanted her. Not this angry, this cold and ruthless Shepard. This is not how he imagined her lips on his.

She only pushes closer to him. "Isn't this what you wanted, Kaidan? Isn't this what you're secretly relieved can still happen now that Ashley's dead?" Her voice trembles slightly between them and Kaidan has not released her wrists. "Go ahead. Tell me I made the right choice. Tell me!" Her eyes flash dangerously at him and he releases his hold of her, watching and unable to speak.

"Or tell me I made the wrong choice. Go ahead. Tell me it should have been you. All that heroic, sacrificial, survivor's guilt bullshit just burning inside."

Kaidan can do nothing but watch her.

"Tell me how it's not my fault. How none of this is my fault." She sweeps her arms into the air before her in significance. "How I couldn't have known. Well, screw you Kaidan! I _did_ know!" Her words are seethed painfully through clenched teeth as she pulls a finger to her own chest. "I knew who I was leaving behind. And I made the choice. It's not going to get easier, Kaidan. You're not going to stop feeling this. It never ends. But I knew that when I went into this. I know how to live with blood on my hands." She is trembling fiercely but her eyes are dry.

Kaidan has never seen this fierce, unapologetic Shepard before. He can feel the heat of her from where he stands, feel the sting of her words as she slings them purposefully.

Nothing changes the past. We must live with every decision we make. Or not live at all. Shepard has laid that to rest long ago.

"It does not make her death meaningless. It does not make her any less important because I'm not sitting here crying about it. It does not mean that I don't miss her just as desperately as you do. But what's done is done. It is what it is. And there will be more lives lost if I cannot lay those burdens down and keep moving. I will not lose one more. Not _one_ more." She knows it is a useless promise. She knows the blood will not stop here. But she thinks that Kaidan needs to hear this.

He blinks at her and pulls his mouth tight in a frown.

She is breathing heavily before him and steps into him, her brows furrowed, her eyes heavy on his. He does not move from her. He lets her lay her hands tenderly on his chest. There is something fragile and deep in the breaking of his gaze.

She sighs, and moves a hand to brush her fingers gently along his lips. There is an apology in the touch. This was not how she wanted him either. "You cannot tell me how to _feel_, Kaidan." Her words are unexpectedly soothing to the growing ache in his chest. There is something hollow and throbbing clawing its way into his heart. His eyes fall to the floor.

"It does not mean that I _don't_ feel."

He lets himself break then and he is reaching for her, the tears sudden and hot on his lids. She opens her arms to him and holds him to her chest, lets him cry into her. His hands fist in the material of her uniform and he feels her heart beat against his chest. It is just as pained. It is just as marked and faltering.

He sobs into her in the silence.

She does not let him go.


End file.
